NOTE: I think I’d rather write this kind of article than any other kind. But when I write and post these, I worry that some readers may scratch their heads and say something like, “That Joe guy must be a few gallons short of a full tank. I think maybe he’s tetched.”
The Least-Remembered Theory
(This represents one of the frequent walks I take along the Footpath of Foolishness.)
Do you agree that it’s odd how one person can achieve everlasting fame just by having a theory, while another fades into total obscurity despite having a theory that seems every bit as valid, if of no obvious importance at all?
I was pondering this imponderable ponderance just the other day, or maybe it was this morning, while recalling a conference I helped organize. The first-ever international conference on Best Practices for Communication of Science and Technology to the Public was held at the National Institute of Standards and Technology in Gaithersburg, Md., back in 2002.
There was an apple tree in the outdoor courtyard, along with several picnic tables where the staff and visitors could enjoy an outdoor lunch, weather permitting.
The tree supposedly grew from a grafting that came from the very same apple tree beneath which Sir Isaac Newton came up with the Theory of Gravity following a solid bonk on the head when one of the apples fell on him.
As I thought about the conference and the tree, I pondered the notion stated in the first paragraph.
Sir Isaac is still remembered more than 300 years later for his Theory of Gravity.
But who among you remember Blind Boy Grapefruit Frothingham, blues singer and deep thinker, who came up with the similar sounding but totally different in application Theory of Gravy?
That theory had something to do with adding the correct amount of milk and flour to bacon grease, which seems to me a lot more practical than a theory about gravity, which doesn’t add an iota about anything I put into practice. Hey! I know to try to avoid falling apples whether or not I know anything about gravity. I’m surprised that Sir Isaac didn’t know to get out of the way.
In fact, however, despite his handicap, Blind Boy Grapefruit Frothingham did go so far as to note in the late 1930s when he knocked over a cast iron skillet in which he was experimenting on his Theory of Gravy that the skillet and its contents fell to the floor instead of rising to the ceiling.
He was momentarily confused by the gravity of that observation, but soon deduced that there must be some mysterious force at work. He quickly shrugged away that thought because it had no practical application to his gravy theorizing.
Even though Blind Boy didn’t achieve lasting recognition for his theory, he is remembered by some blues researchers for his musical achievements.
To be a successful blues musician in those days, you needed a great name and a handicap. Quite a few of the blues greats were named Blind something or other, such as Blind Lemon Jefferson, who some claim plagiarized his name from Blind Boy Grapefruit Frothingham.
What set Blind Boy off from the run-of-the-mill Blind This or Blind That bluesmen was that he had perfect 20/20 vision in both eyes. No biographer has yet explained to my satisfaction why he chose that name instead of going by his real name, Armless Pete Handy.
You see, and here’s the rest of the story, Blind Boy Grapefruit Frothingham achieved recognition as a blues singer and slide guitar player despite the handicap of having no arms or hands. His accomplishments were quite remarkable when you take that into account.
He also is remembered for one other thing. Hired to perform at the annual meeting in 1941 of the American Society of Colonoscopy, Frothingham stopped in mid-song and announced that he believed the society should establish an annual Anal Pride Day and Parade.
But the group quickly backed away from that idea and the idea pretty much vanished, except for an occasional mention in the book, “Atlas of Most Disgusting Proposed Holidays.”
Church Board Deals with Issues
I had an interesting conversation the other day with the Reverend Salvatore Vayshon – or Rev. Sal Vayshon as he is more widely known – following a meeting of his church’s board of directors.
Rev. Vayshon, as you know, is the spiritual leader of the Universal Divine Holographic Church of Signs Ascendant Notwithstanding, which meets every Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday in that pretty little building just down the road.
Rev. Vayshon was telling me that the church has some issues its members must resolve.
One, of course, relates to the purchase of property for a new church building.
The board voted about six weeks ago to purchase some vacant land about eight blocks from the present church location because it has more square footage and better access.
But at the recent meeting, board member Mary Marie Merry introduced a motion to reconsider purchasing that particular piece of property.
“But Sister Mary,” boomed board chairman William Bigglittle, whose overpowering voice always boomed, even when he whispered, “that’s such an attractive and convenient location. Why shouldn’t we buy it and build there?”
“I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and I’ve been praying about it,” Mary said. “I just don’t feel comfortable about locating our church there.”
“Can you be more specific,” Bigglittle said.
“It’s hard to put my finger on it,” Mary continued. “It may have something to do with the address; 666 Demon Drive just doesn’t make me a happy camper.”
The board voted to take the matter under advisement.
Rev. Vayshon told me that quite a bit of the meeting was spent discussing the plans for a fundraiser.
“What do you need the funds for?” I asked him.
“We want to have a sign made and put out front that’s big enough to display our church’s entire name” he told me.
Board members also discussed establishing some official church positions on various social and theological issues.
They eventually voted to add to the church bylaws a statement that the church has taken a pro-life and-capital punishment position, a move intended to cover the beginning and the end.
One of the members asked if the church should also adopt an official position on providing help and nurture to children who were born because of the pro-life position.
The board decided not to do that. They decided that their interest ended at the birth of the child.
They named a committee to make recommendations about what should become the church’s official Bible verse. The only requirement was that it should be short so church members could remember it.
Finally they came out in favor of school prayer and in opposition to church math.
The Rev. Vayshon told me that the board adjourned its meeting at that point and joined the weekly bingo game, already in progress.
Lessons we learn in life
Dave Clarke is one of my good friends. We served together at the Guantanamo Bay navy base from 1974 to 1976. I was the editor of the base newspaper and he was the photographer whose photos made Gitmo look more attractive than it was.
Dave recently asked on his Facebook page: What are the six most important lessons you've learned in life about life?
I sent him six and decided to expand the thought for the Monkey’s Eyebrow website.
Here are the six I sent to Dave:
The aches and pains that accompany aging are life's way of saying, "Death may not be such a bad alternative."
You reach a point in life where a good bowel movement is at least as good as sex.
There are too many laws and not enough integrity.
Friends are fine things to have.
The same distance is farther than it was 20 years ago.
You can never eat enough catfish.
Here are some others. After you read these, I welcome you to share some of your lessons. You can send them to me by e-mail.
What’s the point of a doctor telling the sick person’s family that it’s just a matter of time? That’s always true. It’s just a matter of time from the moment we’re born; the only question is how much time.
Indignities increase exponentially as you age. When I was a young man I could not have imagined having to rub Proctosol cream on my ass twice a day to stop hemorrhoids from bleeding.
If you ever find yourself pressured to say "I can change" in order to preserve a relationship, forget it. The person in the relationship would no longer be you, it would be someone you're not.
If you need a lawyer, you’ve let something go on for too long.
Beauty is only skin deep, but skin is my favorite body part.
If it tastes good, you’ve gained weight.
No one needs a pet snake.
I’m looking for a doctor who doesn’t need to practice.
Relationships are like wine: theres a good chance they’ll turn sour.
When something bad happens, we can’t wait to tell someone else about it so he or she can be miserable too.
We should have to take courses and pass tests before we’re allowed to marry.
Real friends aren’t the people who sign up to be our friend on Facebook.
Don’t eat at restaurants that don’t provide long spoons with iced tea.
Restaurants that serve tartar sauce with catfish shouldn’t be allowed to serve catfish.
The best barbecue has been basted gently with the sweat that dripped out of the barbecuer’s bib overalls, the sides of which aren’t buttoned.
Watch the road when you’re driving.
When a server says I’ll be taking care of you, ask for a rectal examination.
When you’re leaving a store with a cart full of purchases and an employee asks if you found everything, he or she doesn’t really care if you did.
A substantial percentage of people hired to be police officers probably shouldn’t be allowed to carry a pistol or have any power over other people.
Something’s not right when the employees at your bank have to ask for your ID but everyone at the place that repairs your car knows you by name.
(Written Nov. 21, 2009)
From my sister Jeanne:
Two old people cannot have a meaningful conversation: neither of them can remember all the words.
A woman of 35 years should not have children (especially a daughter). When the woman is going through menopause, the girl is a teenager – raging hormones and confused hormones don't jive.
From my friend Tommy Ryan:
Orating to one's pet is acceptable. He or she may turn its head sideways but won't debate you.
Trying to change the opinion of anyone over 30 is an exercise in futility.
A salt-free diet is literally impossible as drinking water contains sodium. Either think low-salt diet or completely ignore your adviser.
It's laughable to buy a six pack of beer in a state that requires merchants to card everyone, including Santa Claus look-a-likes.
From the late Joe Wear: When someone dials the wrong number, tell them "why in the hell don't you learn how to dial?”
Why buy an expensive duck call when you're already getting outcalled by a guy yelling "yank, yank, yank, yank" with his mouth?
One more from Joe Wear: "Son, there's more horses' asses in this world than horses."
The Secretest Society
I’m in a secret location, typing whisperingly as I write this because the societies I am about to reveal have enforcement agencies whose mission is to prevent people from exposing them.
There are books written about secret societies. There are conspiracies which have been revealed and others which have been rumored.
But this is about the secretest society of them all.
Any person who wants to rise to a position of power in the political world must be a member of this society, heretofore only whispered about in dark, hidden places. This is the first time its existence has been revealed to the public.
I disclose today the existence of the Association of Simplistic Solutions. All people who hold political power must be an ASS. Many suspect that to be the truth, but no one previously has risked his very life to confirm that the Association of Simplistic Solutions, sometimes known as ASS, has this level of power.
In America, you can identify who is an ASS by the code phrases they use when they speak.
For instance, ASS trainers teach American politicians the technique they call Tap-W.
It’s really a very simple technique.
Whatever the issue is, the ASS politicians will address it using the Tap-W technique. Tap-W stands for “The American People Want.”
You’ve all witnessed it in use. “The American people want us to rescue the multi-billionaires who have put our national economy at risk by playing games with credit,” one ASS might say.
Another ASS will respond, “The American people want us to let the multi-billionaires who have put our national economy at risk by playing games with credit to suffer the consequences of their greed.”
Yet another ASS might say, “The American people want a cheeseburger.”
ASS training teaches that the ASS speaker should always invoke the American people, even though there is no single position that the American people want. In truth, we know that there are just about as many different wants as there are American people. I doubt if you can find any one position that all the American people support.
But the American people are easily misled and distracted, and – in many instances – distrust anyone who actually has the intelligence to be a national leader, so the ASS training is effective.
Offer simplistic solutions, the trainers say to the trainees. Don’t take a substantive stand on anything. If an opponent seems to be offering something that sounds like a potential real solution, distract attention by using a technique known as “Okay, his ideas sound good but who does he know?”
This technique can be illustrated like this: “Okay, he spouts some intelligent, elitist mumbo-jumbo, but one of his kindergarten classmates protested the Vietnam War. Does he truly love America?”
One of the masters of the ASS principles of simplistic solutions is the current president of the United States. His brilliant use of the techniques was evident in a recent set of statements he made on September 30, speaking of the Congress’ failure to pass, at that time, what some called a bailout plan and what others called a rescue plan. He was quoted:
"I was disappointed in the vote with the United States Congress on the economic rescue plan," Bush said after yesterday's vote, during a White House appearance with the president of Ukraine. "We put forth a plan that was big because we got a big problem." He added: "Our strategy is to continue to address this economic situation head-on. And we'll be working to develop a strategy that will enable us to continue to move forward."
You will find no better example anywhere of how to utilize the speaking techniques taught by the Association for Simplistic Solutions trainers. Read those quotes again, carefully. Note the avoidance of anything of substance.
Priceless!
Few people know about ASS. Even fewer know that it is one of the organizations that make up the larger, umbrella organization, the Benevolent Society of the Self-Appointed Power Seekers, or the BS of the SAPS.
More groups than I have time or space to name fall under the umbrella of the BS of the SAPS. I may write more about that group at another time, assuming that I live long enough and can find a very secret place in which to write.
Meanwhile, since I tend to support Democratic tickets, I must now go off somewhere to ponder the opponents, the Ticket to Nowhere, Dumbo and Bimbo, and evaluate their relative rankings in the ASS organization.